We have all been through complicated break-ups before, some tougher than others. Sometimes it felt like we could never recover from the anguish, but we did that time there is no reason why we can't again. Here are 10 ways to help.
1. Whatever you do, don't call him. Hearing his voice just brings back old memories. He may say something non-committal so as not to hurt you, (he may not right for you, but this doesn't make him a monster) but your aching heart will interpret it as a sign of his undying love. This just drags you on indefinitely like a stray who returns only because her visits are rewarded with a morsel of food. Keep in mind that the more time you waste on a ruined relationship, the deeper your torment, and the longer the healing period.
2. Do spend some time on your own. You have had years being with someone else who inadvertently dictated when you went out, and when you were blissful or sad. Give yourself some self assessment time. What have you been putting up with in this relationship? Can you see now the warning signs you chose to ignore because you hoped it would get better? Once you are aware of this, there is a better chance of it not happening again.
3. Do write a list. Now you have more time to yourself, make a list of all the things you hated about your ex. Read them every time you agonise over him. Then thank your lucky stars you are rid of him. Honestly, would you have been able to put up with his annoying ways or his callousness for the rest of your life? Keep the note, you may want to refer to it later on when you are tempted to get serious with someone with those same attributes.
4. Don't go to his favourite hang outs. You might see him and worst of all he might have company - a new woman. This will only break your sore heart again. Time heals, and seeing him socially doesn't give you the space you need.
5. Don't keep his things. If he's left anything at your place, pack them up and ask a friend to deliver them to him. In your fragile state of mind, it is easy to fool yourself that you simply want to return his belongings when actually, you want to see him. He can sense this and may try to take advantage of you. You wouldn't be able to say no.
6. Do treat yourself. If it is at all possible, have a holiday. This is the best route of keeping out of his way, and out of his sight. You will rediscover the things you like about yourself thus restoring some of your dwindling self-confidence.
Spending time to enjoy your interests, confirms your individuality and separates you from who you were with him. If you can't go away, give yourself a new hair do, a massage, a cheap week-end at your parents' or at relatives far away, or just couple of nights out of town.
7. Do have a good cry. Ideally, several of them. There is nothing like a good sit down with a mate and a shared heart-felt cry. Don't be afraid to call up your friend or ask her to come over. Better yet, once you've had your full of alone time, invite a whole bunch of friends over. Watch a flick, paint your nails, and most of all talk about men. Believe me, we've all been desperate to get back with our exes before and we know how it feels. Don't feel guilty, your mates want to get involved, there is something about being a woman that goes hand in hand with sharing heartache. Let it all out, cry, burn is pictures, whatever it takes, just release.
8. Don't be nasty. We all know he deserves it but being obnoxious doesn't solve anything. Don't write accusing letters, make drunken phone calls etc. just let him be. I am sure we can all remember being on the receiving end of this. All it did was reinforce our decision that it was indeed the right one to make. Who wants to be with a psycho?
However, if nastiness is what it takes for you get over him because he was a pig, you can, instead of returning his things, give his prized possessions away to charity shops. Nothing beats this. Or have a good old bonfire with mates along to join in. (Don't make a fire on your own if you are in a state, besides having someone to cheer you on is much more enjoyable).
9. Do use your free time to do something for someone else. Nothing else makes us happier than losing ourselves in helping others. I think this is one of the ultimate fulfilment of being human and maybe this is why it feels so good. Witnessing how much happiness we could bring to someone's life never fails to transform our own. No amount of shopping or drinking can provide as much satisfaction as just an hour a week with someone who needs us. Old people's homes are always looking for volunteers. Their patients are frequently lonely and sad. You might know someone personally who needs a bit of help or just someone to talk to. There are always women support lines and Child line. Help someone get over their problem and losing him will not feel like you've lost the world.
10. Don't rush into a new relationship if you can help it. This is not such a good idea. Remember you are only seeking reassurance of your self worth. Seeing someone else so soon may mean that you are looking for your self-confidence to be ratified by someone else. This is not a good sign. Of course you might be one of the lucky ones who find true love after a bad break up but this doesn't happen very often so be aware. Not because you hope that the next guy will be ‘The One' he is.
In the end, we've all been there. Don't feel like you're alone in this. Anyone over twenty-five can remember a particularly bad break-up which left us feeling like we had lost our mind. In many cases, these relationships were the ones most fraught with issues. No matter how hard you love someone, this will not make him your Mr Right. People seldom change who they are and if a man is ever going to, it's his love for you which will make him do so not the other way around.
Take heart, because this means ‘The One' is still out there waiting for you to find him.
When you are ready, go get him girl.