The Interview Process: How to score that perfect job, a humorous look at the corporate life

airesflora Jan 10, 2008 Careers
So you've landed that interview in the perfect corporate environment. The only thing keeping you from that paycheck is the interview with the CEO or a few of the Vice Presidents of the Company. So far, your interviews with these have batted you a series of strike outs. You are suddenly having doubts. Can you impress them enough in the midst of a sea of competition out there? Here are some tips to land that position.

First, look at your resume. What have you done in the past to amaze an egotistical corporate executive who values short skirts, youth, glass ceilings, sex tourism, golf, and anything blonde and buxom? Have you padded another executive's expenses? WOW! You ARE industrius! Mention this and explain how discreet you were about it. Have you purchased lunches for executives? Or, bought their wives flowers? He's going to love you! Explain how you captured just the right bouquet for your last boss that saved his marriage when he was caught in certain compromising company. Now remove ten points if you are a minority and he's not, because you probably don't fit that "corporate look" he's pining for, or maybe you do if he's seeking someone "exotic". Have you done anything remarkable, like reducing expenses? Better watch out, this one may be trying to maintain that HUGE budget and your efforts could signal a reduction of revenue for him in the future. Do you speak a foreign language? Be careful! He's probably eye balling you as a terrorist, especially if he's offshoring jobs. He may think you are trying to infiltrate his organization.

Second, when you reach the stage of the "blues," from being turned down too often back away. Take a breather and come back refreshed two weeks later. Sometimes this gives you the right momentum to charge forth. While you're on leave from the interviews, practice your game face. Look at your demeanor in the mirror. Are your eyes giving you away? Do you have that look like I'd love nothing better than to kick your fat, pudgy CEO rear end, because I really hate all you stand for? Think pleasant, shiny good little thoughts while interviewing. Things like, I can buy that new car if you give me a freaking raise and darn it anyway, I DESERVE that raise, because your no-work-golfing-sex-tourism-rear end is making $2.2 M annually. After all, I'm only asking for less than a 50th of that, and don't MY KIDS deserve private schools too? Smile sweetly, with a lilt of flirtation, but not enough to bring suspicion and zoom in on that piece of dandruff on his collar. That way you can laugh that even with that $2.2 million, he can't choose great shampoo, even if he wants you to believe he's perfect. Now give him that eye-to-eye contact for just a brief second, long enough for him to see you've read all those nauseating little sites about "How to land the perfect job," and then sit back and admire an art piece on the wall. Surely he has some art that he feels makes a statement about him, which you can mention. Maybe a map, lined in gold foil to demonstrate how worldly he is, or a photograph of his wife? Be sure not to glance at those photos and compliment him on how pretty his "daughter" is. You'll certainly be dismissed quickly.

Remember when you went for jobs as a kid and you were young dumb and
full know? What did you do. You smiled enthusiastically! You were enchanting. Your bosses loved you, because you reeked of naivety and gullibility. As we age, we lose that for reality and our game face gives us away. Find a way to get that back. Be the most nauseatingly enchanting young woman you can be. Reek of enthusiasm. Become that Suzy Creamcheese -- the delightful little "oh please wet my t-shirt so you can exploit me," type of Barbie that the Donald Trumps of the world need, and you'll surely land that position. After all, once you've landed the job, you can be the resident witch, and remind him that even his wife thinks he looks like feces at 50+ with his bald head and face as lined as a walnut. If he gets cocky, remind him his poolboy is looking good these days and by the way, "How's the Mrs. doing on her swimming lessons? But, during the interview, enthusiam for their opus magnum is what sends these corporate types into multiple climactic stage, no matter how mundane it is. Compliment it! Slurp lots of team spirit, "rah rah rah" for them to wet their pants over. If they can't hire you on the spot, they'll find a position for you.

Use corporate cliches and lingo in the interview. Say things like,
"I demand operational excellence," or explain how you "break down
barriers" by "executing....yadee yadee yah." That sends their little hearts into overdrive. If you supplement this with an outstanding knowledge of the latest "efficiency improvement" platitudes, you'll be a shoe in. Explain how you developed the "Lean Six Sigma" to die for at your last organization, reducing cycle time and variability of products to escalate profits. Instead of career aspirations, explain you have "goal deployment techniques." You don't improve things, you "quickly accomplish process improvements." He may even offer you a drink and light up a cigarette from the satisfaction he'll feel after his orgasmic delight.

Amaze them with your comprehension of Business Standards. Never appear too creative, but exhale for a good five minutes on your "creative solutions" to a myriad of problems, without actually offering anything unique or solving problems. REMEMBER! You are not working, you are finding "solutions" and intersperse this word a thousand times into the conversation to let him know you've captured his vocabulary. Tell them how you follow every Business Writing Standard, referring to the customer as "you" to personalize the experience. Explain your incredible knowledge of third person when you are addressing a person's problem with the corporation. This will send them into a zen-like state that certainly has them placing the offer letter before you in two seconds flat.

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